Change

The focus of my big question is changing as I am changing. At the beginning of the year i was really focused on fate and intuition and following your gut cause I tended to think too much about things. But now, though I think about my actions and make concious decisions I personally believe that every action in this world happens for a reason and life is a chain of events, like dominoes and intuition may lead you on the right path and blah blah blah but in the end it really doesn't matter. Right now I'm starting to appreciate people's differences. Although I don't agree with organized religion at all I can understand and appreciate why people are drawn to it. Portrait of an artist was great for this. I only understood Stephen because Helen is very much like him and through our friendship I have gained a partial understanding of a kind of thought different from my own which dripps with scathing sarcasim and scepticism. Reading Portrait was a release for me, a chance to see beauty through someone elses eyes that appreciates it differently and perhaps more than I do. However I do not want to write an essay on how "every person is different and important in their own way". So many of the essays I read were corny and full of cliches and that is not something I enjoy. But a paper in my own voice always seems to come across bitter and angsty which is worse. Something truthful like Portrait is nearly impossible. James Joyce is a genius for being able to capture honesty and innocence in it's purest form and I respect him greatly for that. But I feel like I've become disenchanted with life this year and so am not sure what to write about anymore. I suppose disenchantment is a common theme. Stephen, Denver, Sethe, Mersault and many other characters share that experience in the novels we've read this year. Denver, when she learns the meaning of her mothers crimes, Sethe, when she learns of Beloved's hatred for her, Mersault when he gave up school, and Stephen when he cannot find a place where his views are seen as at all valid. But I'm not sure I could write on that subject without becoming severely depressed. I love these novels and I'm afraid that writing on them yet again will taint the incredible ideas they present.